I envy people with grandparents.

Not that I have not had my fair share of gran's love. But the thing is, I never got close to my real grandparents.

See, both Mum and Dad were given away at birth.

I don't even wanna start about how that could happen lest you'll fall asleep reading. Simply, I was brought up by the care of Mum's grandmother, whom she was given to at birth at her insistence. Since then, she has regarded her grandmum as 'Mak', and I've regarded her as 'Nenek', though by default she's my great grandma. She was an iron lady, whom people regarded as the fierce one, the one who hated noise, the one who hated kids. But inside, she's a lady of a pure heart, always intending the best for us, though sometimes, through ways that we will never understand. And her crocheting skills are like no one you've seen before, famous among the older generation.

My siblings and I was the apple of her eye. Growing up, I shared a room with her, massaged her feet, her back, her head, plucked out her white hairs, and on occasions when both of us couldn't sleep at night, will play games of 'congkak', checkers and card games like 'cheki jepun', wee into the night till we were both sleepy. In short, she was everything that a grandmother should be, providing that extra love that we all should get.

When she passed away, I felt lost, lost because she has been guiding me much throughout the 21 years of my life. I was also lost upon the thought that she will never witness me on a bridal dais, will never get to see my children. Most importantly, I was no longer the apple of the eye of anybody.

I envy cousins who still have my real maternal grandmother who goes on dinners with them, who makes nice agar2 trays on their engagement, who puts you at the top of their list when shopping for branded (well, not so) handbags on their overseas trips. See, here I shall say it. I never felt the love of my real grandmothers, paternal or maternal. To them, I guess my siblings and I are just another set of products that runs in their blood (if I may say so, though crudely I apologise).

I guess things would have been very different if the past hadn't been so, but I believe that's what it's supposed to be. I presume if things had changed, I would have been the apple of the eye of my real grandmothers all the same with my sweet demure ways of a perfect grand daughter(ahakz!). Until now, I still feel this obliging need to prove that I'm worthy of being as good as the rest of her beloved grandchildren, if not better.

But if all else fails, I know that I'm at least once in my life, the apple of my late great grandmother's eye.



~In loving memory of Kalsom Bt Ali (1907-2003)~

And she waves goodbye...

5:17 pm